I shake back and forth between being a woman with something to say and being a person who does not want to be seen. Between being a leader pushing forward and a little kid who doesn’t want anyone to notice her. Between feeling empowered by my accomplishments and realizing how tiny they are.
In Chinese, it’s considered rude to go straight to the point of something. Getting information or expressing disapproval is like a politely vicious dance between parties. It’s probably why I like it so much – because Chinese and I have dancing in common. I can never get straight to the point when I write.
In fact, everything above this sentence is just me trying to justify why I have a blog/website/domain. Who do I think I am?
So here is me getting straight to the point: I just want to write again. I want to write about myself and the things I like to do. I want to write about what it felt like letting my brother go and grieving every day to the day of that anniversary. I want to write about what it feels like finishing college and being an adult in college. I want to share passages out of books I read and write about current affairs and roller derby. I turn 30 in 2015. And I know that I cannot go another decade feeling like I have to prove my legitimacy as a human being to everyone I know.
Allow me to share a passage from Joan Didion’s essay “On Keeping a Notebook”:
We are brought up in the ethic that others, any others, all others, are by definition more interesting than ourselves; taught to be diffident, just this side of self-effacing. (“You’re the least important person in the room and don’t forget it,” Jessica Mitford’s governess would hiss into her ear)…Only the very young and the very old may recount their dreams at breakfast, dwell upon self…
It makes me wonder if thoughtfulness would now be considered subversive. But there’s something to that, right? Because thoughtfulness and reflection mean you are an agent of action, and not just an agent of consumption. It means the personal is the political, and that we all have some sort of duty to communicate and share and listen and write.